Why is this sooo hard...

Here I go again...
Why is something so simple as eating healthy so hard for me to do? I just don't understand. I love fruits and vegtables, so it's not as if I have to force these foods upon myself.
I feel as though I will never get my weight down. This is so frustrating to me. I look in the mirror and I am mortified at what I see. I have GOT to figure this out and make it work for me.
Any suggestions/advice?

Slow and steady...

Over all I will say I am doing very well. I have been going to the gym daily or like today Tim and I walked around Memorial Park. I understand from my best friend that the walk around Memorial Park is one mile, so for me that is a record!!! I did not even have to stop for a break or anything ;-)

I have also been doing quite well with the diet, staying within my 1800 calories and doing just fine. I have lost six pounds thus far!!! I know you really are only supposed to weigh in once a month, but I could not help myself. I was so excited today when I put on a pair of capri's that actually fit. The last time I wore them I was bulging out at the hips. I am trying not to get discouraged, as I know when you diet and exercise the fat turns into muscle which weighs more than fat. So, it seems as if you are gaining rather than losing, but if you look at it that you are gaining the muscle tone and losing the fat it helps. It's all in the attitude and how one perceives it. I am soooo ecstatic about this. I cannot wait till the day I step on the scale and it actually reads 199 or less. To be under 200 again, wow! I have not weighed less than 200 pounds since before I got married. That has been almost eight years ago!!! I am really hoping for an all over body, mind, and soul make over. I want to feel good. I am tired of being tired, not feeling well, full of anxiety and worry. I deserve to be happy as we all do. Only I can make that happen. This has been a long hard road in more ways than one, and I know I did it to myself. Now I have to un do the damage and make myself and even better and stronger person this time around. Right now I am on 1800 calories a day. Next month I plan on going down say to 1750 and then so on and so forth. Slow and steady. I do not count fruits and vegetables as long as nothing is added to them, so the idea is for me to eat more of these as I continue to lower my daily calorie intake. I have been pretty stressed out and on edge this last month. I assume most of it has to do with the diet change. This is a major change for me, even with the baby steps. i am sure that I was consuming well over 1800 calories a day beforehand with being a junk food junkie and going through drive thru's for most of my meals. I kept wondering and asking myself "What the hell is my problem as of late?" I guess I did not realize until now just what a major lifestyle change this is for me. At the same time of starting this diet and exercise plan I also started a new full time job. I have been working at this job for about a month and half now, but just part time on weekends only. Now I am full time. Things are a lot different and busier during the weekdays. I am beginning to wonder if this was all too much all at once. I did not want this job full time. I have nothing against the company or the people, nothing like that at all. I quit my previous job that I loved and adored due to an incident that happened. The incident truly was no fault of my own, however I paid the price for the mistake (suspended). I just knew I had no job to come back to, so I acted fast to find another and ASAP! Long story short I was given my job back, however when I returned I was given a final written for not only this incident but a bunch of other nonsense crap. I tried so hard to move forward, but it was just impossible for me to go back to work as my "happy go lucky" self and with my big genuine smile that I always had on my face. Instead I was constantly in tears and fought so very hard to hold them back. It's not that I do not take responsibility for myself or my actions, it's that this was wrong. Period! I felt ostracized. Like I was some sort of criminal or monster. I was labeled different, treated differently, people acted different around me, you name it. I was also very much on edge and constantly wondering when/if I was going to be let go. I could not work under those conditions, so I chose to submit my two week notice. I would rather quit than to be fired, and I just KNEW they were going to find any little tiny thing to fire me. The day I submitted my notice I was told I did not need to full fill it and that it was considered in effect immediately. I felt like I had just been thrown away like yesterdays news paper. I was so hurt, words cannot even begin to describe. It was as if I never meant anything to that company. All of my hard work was for nothing. I really do feel that I gave it my all. I went above, beyond, and then some. I can honestly say that. I never expected a trophy or anything, but at the same time I never thought I would be thrown away like some useless trash. I felt so empty. My residents were my everything there. I loved those people. I really did. It was as if my whole entire family died all at once. I was left feeling so hurt and empty. I was lost. To start working at yet another health care facility and right after was very hard. Even though I hold the same job title, it feels so different. things are done differently and for the most part I feel like I am just NOT getting it. I am not sure how this is going to turn out but I will give it my best shot. I am also giving my new lifestyle my all. The actual diet and exercise has not been as tough as I thought it would be. I have already stuck to it for 10 days now!!! That's really awesome for me. I gibe up on things and get frustrated very easily. To already see progress on the scale though keeps me going. Right now I am just staying within my calories and walking/swimming. I plan on including other things into my work out a little at a time. Slow and easy...

Here I go...

Ok, so I went to the doc and am now on an 1800 calorie diet to start. She did not want me to go too low too fast. She does however want me to go to the gym like everyday! Yikes! She would like me to work my way up to one hour on the treadmill. I hate walking on a treadmill. So boring in my opinion. Maybe, swimming would be better for me since it is actually something I enjoy and also with my bad back it is low impact.
The diet has not been too terrible. I really have only fallowed it straight through now for well today! LOL
I got some Lean Cuisine's as I understand those are actually what they say they are and decent for you. I also got pre measured snacks and such like those 100 calorie packs, yogurt, pudding, cheese sticks, granola bars, 100 calorie bags of microwave popcorn. Sometimes I have got to have some butter and salt. At least this way I know when the little bag is gone I have had 100 calories and that is it. Wether I am supposed to or not I have not been couting fresh fruits. I figure they are all natural and nothing added so I am counting them as a free food. It's not as if I am eating a whole bag of apples a day or anything crazy anyway. I do count the calories in juice though. I only buy the 100% but still I count that, just not the actual fruit I eat. Next time I go shopping I am going to pick up all kinds of fresh veggies and well frozen ones too (nothing added of course) and that way I can eat as much of that as I want. I do the same with frozen fruit though I usually use that for smoothies. I would say all in all I am off to a good start. Of course once my calorie intake is lowered to say 1500 a day and so on I will have to continue to make more and more adjustments.
My weekdays at home have come to an end as I am now employed full time again. this is a blessing in more ways than one, still it was nice being able to get up whenever. Need the money way more than sleeping in all the time though. I will keep progress on here of the diet and all. Oh I almost forget I weighed in at 263 lbs.!!!! Holy cow, this is the most I have ever weighed my whole life. I am not sure how often you are to weigh in, but I am thinking once a month is good for me. Hopefully within a month I will have something to really be proud of.
Got my gym bag packed and will be heading straight to the gym tomorrow evening after work. I sure hope this week goes by a lot better than it has. i am not sure what my deal was this week but I tell you what it was like PMS on steroids! I have been so moody, irritable, cranky, mad, upset, frustrated, on edge, short tempered. One minute I want to cry and the next I want to rip someone's face off. It's like I am climbing the walls. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I was fighting with paper at work the other day and yes cussing it out too. Bad, really bad.
OK, will track more progress later.

I am tired of being fat and not feeling well...

I am tired of being fat and not feeling well, ever! I NEVER feel good. I am in constant worry about my health.
So, I am FINALLY going to my doctor this morning! I have made a list of concerns I want to address with her. Number one is weight loss!
I am also seeing my therapist today as well. Yes, i am crazy too LOL! I am going to address with my therapist my issues of constant worry and doubt I have about everything in my life.
I am at a dead end here. I keep telling myself that there has to be more to life that cleaning house and doing laundry. This cannot possibly be IT for me.
Also I have to make some changes with Tim and I. We never do anything or go anywhere together. We work, come home, go our separate ways here in the house. He usually spends his evenings in his studio painting listening to music or a book on tape while he paints, or he is watching the shows he enjoys that I do not care for. I am usually puttering around the house going sir crazy as I only work part times on weekends so I am home all day alone during the week days by myself for the most part. You guessed it, doing laundry/dishes. We do not have kids, so you can imagine it's not that difficult to keep up. We do have quite a few animals and this is a four bedroom house. There is always some sort of home improvement or deep cleaning I could be doing. That's no fun of course. There is always yard work of course. We seem to have the hugest and messiest back yard. I am still trying to get the front yard completely cleaned up before I start on the back. One project at time. The only thing Tim and I do together consistently is go out to eat, and it is always just the two of us. We do not engage in any sort of interesting conversation or anything either. We just "eat" and come home to our separate ways. We do not go out to the movies, or concerts, plays. We do not have a "date" night or anything like that. Don't misunderstand. We do not hate one another. We do not argue or fight either. We just don't do much of anything with one another period. Sometimes I feel as if I live in this house alone. I catch myself constantly letting out these big 'ol sighs and thinking there just HAS to be more to life. I am considering school, but for what?! I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. LOL! I do not want to take out yet another school loan that I am going to have to pay back for nothing. Beauty school, I went half way through it and am still paying back the loans!!! Right now we are on a debt management program too and that prevents us from financing anything or opening any new lines of credit. So, I am guessing if I did take a class or two in whatever I would have to be able to pay for it out of pocket. That is kind of hard to do when I am only working part time on weekends only and Tim and I are by the skin of our teeth as is. I have been looking for a job as well. Let's face it though I have only a high school education and so the dead end jobs I can get are also the ones all the college and high school kids are applying for as well right now. I just feel so lost right now. I really need some direction in my life all around.
So, first things first! I am going to talk to my doc about diet and weight loss. I am hoping that my progress will not only make me feel better physically, but that I will get a sense of accomplishment as well. That should lift my spirits greatly. I am going to talk with my therapist about the un controlled worry and doubt I have. Maybe, just talking to a professional and getting some advice will take a load of bricks off of my shoulders. One can only dream.
I plan on keeping a food journal. I hear that aids in successful weight loss. I will also continue to blog on here and post pictures of my progress.
Now, I need some suggestions of things Tim and I can do together as a couple that would be enjoyable for us both and not break the bank. Any ideas?! Let me know.

Now what?!

Another work week has come and gone for me and now starts my five day weekend. Be careful what you ask for, as you might get it. I used to say I wish I could have five day weekends and only work two. Course I also meant that I wanted to be able to afford to do that.
You might as well call me a dumb ass as I turned down a full time position where I work because I do not want a job where I am sitting all day confined to one area answering phone call after phone call. I get too bored too easily. I need to be up on my feet moving around. So, I chose to wait it out till I find "that" job. LOL! For now I am working weekends only as part time receptionist for a retirement center. At least now my boss leaves me projects to do, as to where before I started doing my scrap booking just so I would have something to keep me busy. Anyone know of any grave yard positions anywhere? I am a night owl by nature so that would be perfect for me.
I am still working on the diet and watching what I eat more and more. I will be a lot more into it after I seek my doctors professional help with the whole diet/exercise thing. I know that for most this sort of stuff would be considered commen sense and for the most part I know what I should and should not eat, but I never had to worry about being over weight until now and I am just at a loss here. Having a job where I could be up on my feet moving around would be a great start though!

Cassie

Well, I have decided that if I truly want to get on the right foot and make things happen for me I need to act now and fast. I am going to make a doctors appointment, as I would like the advice and support from a professional. I want to be healthy and lose weight the "right" way. I know about diet and exercise a bit. Since I never had to worry about being over weight till recent years I feel clueless and hopeless. I know there is no easy fast way. Sorta like there is no such way for most of us anyway to get rich quick.


I am going to ask for a diet and exercise plan and then I am going to challenge myself to fallow it to a "T"!


I will keep progress of my stats on here and a full diary of my diet and exercise program. I am really excited to get started.


Wish me luck!


On a lighter note a friend of mine from work and I have started a scrap book night. Tonight she came over and we started our scrap books. It was a lot of fun to have company. She brought her to Chihuahua's. They are both brother's to my youngest Chihuahua. One of them is from the same litter and the other is a year younger. The three of them are so cute together. I will have to capture pictures of them next time. My female Chihuahua was very protective of her house and her water dish. Silly dog.


Here is a PIC of our English Bulldog! She is the love of my life!

I'm back...

Well, here I am. I am starting this again. I have chosen to delete quite a few post I had on here. I felt like I got off track a bit. The idea of this blog in the first place was for me to keep track of progress in my life. Focusing mostly on my physical health and a lifestyle change. I would like to drop a good hundred pounds. I feel like I was actually using this as a "bitch fest" if you will. I then went private with it because there was a lot of personal information with a lot of people's names included. I am not going to do that anymore. That obviously gets me no where. Besides I want to remain focused on the positive. The past is what it is and it cannot be changed, however I hold the keys to unlock the door to my future.
Recently I chose to quit a full time job I had. It's a very long story and I won't get into yet another "bitch fest". I am now working part time on weekends only for yet another retirement center and yes also as a receptionist. Other than losing out on I'd say about $800.00 a month, this has actually been a good change for me. I have gotten quite a bit accomplished here at home. I am getting out more and getting a lot more physical activity. Due to the shortage of funds eating out is not so much an option anymore. This too is also a good change. I am allot more conscious when I go to the grocery store. I read labels and I only buy brown rice, whole grain pasta, 100% whole wheat or multi grain bread, fresh fruit and veggies. I have a wonderful cookbook that I bought a while back and it has over 1400 recipes you can make in a slow cooker. this is excellent because in the summer our house gets so hot. No way do I want to turn on the oven. Also cooking in a slow cooker makes clean up a breeze. You pretty much use just that to mix up whatever you are making and then you cook in it as well. I am willing to bet that you use less electricity too! I am trying to stay away from soda. I refuse to eat/drink anything with artificial sweeteners in it. The sugar sodas are so bad. I stick with iced tea and if anything I add a lemon wedge to it. I am sure the caffeine is not a good choice, but I understand the chemical process that is used to take caffeine out of coffee and tea is even worse for you. Besides the caffeine in tea is way less than coffee. I have never been much of a coffee drinker. I am not able to drink coffee unless I put a mound of sugar and cream in it anyway. That is defeating the purpose of trying to lose weight.
So, I have been working on my house. Last week I spent a whole day cleaning out the garage. Today I spent the afternoon cleaning up the front yard and the side of our house. For me this is hard physical labor and a good workout. I have no idea how it gets so bad. I think that it was just let go for so long. It is more work than if I were just having to start from scratch. It is nice to be out in the sun and working. Actually felt good to break a sweat and feel a sense of accomplishment too! I probably have a good six huge garbage cans full of junk, trash, and tree limbs just from today's project. I only have two huge garbage cans on wheels. So, I put out what I can and see what the trash guys will take. I figure this stuff did not accumulate overnight and I will not be rid of it all overnight either. I can't say that I am looking forward to cleaning up the back yard, especially since we own three dogs as well. We have the hugest back yard it seems. Ours is like twice the size of some of our neighbors it seems. I swear we could build an underground pool back there and still have a whole yard left. Needless to say the amount of work that needs to be done back there just to clean it up is equal to size of the yard. Again, it has been let go for too long. I figure there is no time like the present. I am looking for another full time job and might even keep the part time one I have as well. So, now in between applying for jobs and going on interviews I can clean my house up. I have been focusing so much on the outer part that the inside of my house is not looking too great. I let laundry go for as long as I possibly could and now I am trying to catch that up as well. Seems endless. It's nice though to feel I have a reason to get up in the mornings. Since I am only working part time on the weekends it would be very easy to stay in bed all day through out the week and do nothing. That of course would get me no where and fast. I would probably fall into a deep depression if I did that. I am so lucky to be able to keep my mind, body, and spirit active. I hope I will always be as blessed as I am now. Other than being very over weight I am in pretty good health. I pray I take the pounds off before I become diabetic or something due to the weight. It does not help that Tim went and bought two for one ice cream at the grocery store this evening. I should know better by now then to send him shopping alone. It is hard to have self control when you have ice cream staring you in the face every time you open the freezer. He is not doing this to be mean and ugly but rather he feels I deserve a treat for working so hard. I appreciate the thought, but the idea of working so hard other than to clean the place up is to shed all this weight.
Well off I go to work on laundry. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistkes in it. Yet ;-)